What is Codependency?

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Codependency is an unhealthy relationship pattern that can involve caretaking, people-pleasing, enabling, and overreliance.

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These patterns become problematic because they cause us to have unrealistic expectations in relationships, eventually leading to hurt and resentment. 

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Each person in a codependent relationship feels compelled to keep doing their part in the dysfunctional cycle, making it harder and harder to break.

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What Causes Codependency?

 

Our family of origin often creates a relationship “template” for us that we expect all other relationships to follow. If codependency was normalized for us as a child, we may not even realize that it’s dysfunctional. 

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Additionally, shame, low self-esteem, and fear of abandonment can make us crave codependency because it seems to offer us a guarantee of belonging. 

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Over time, codependent behaviors become a way for us to prove that we’re useful to others and worth loving.

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What are the Impacts of Codependency?

 

Regardless of where our codependent tendencies come from, there is always a cost. These are some of the most common ways that codependency ends up taking a toll:

• Feelings of obligation and guilt can often make us feel pressured to keep up our codependent patterns.

• Feelings of shame and inadequacy often arise when we aren't able to fix someone else's problems despite our best efforts.

• Exhaustion and burnout is common after long-term caretaking, overworking, and neglecting our own needs.

• Deep anger and resentment towards our loved ones can build up when they fail to meet our needs or appreciate our efforts.

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What are the Forms of Codependency?

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Caretaking is when we rescue, help, or solve problems for other adults even if it’s unhealthy for us. Codependency convinces us that others need our help, making us feel obligated to take responsibility for things that technically aren't ours to fix. Some examples of caretaking include: helping without being asked, offering unsolicited advice, and compulsively taking charge of situations.

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Enabling is when we step in to protect or help a capable adult, making it even harder for them to function independently. This often involves protecting them from the consequences of their own choices or making excuses for their unhealthy behaviors. An example of this would be repeatedly offering financial support to someone with a track record of mismanaging money.

 

People-Pleasing is when we bend over backwards to ensure that others are comfortable and happy. This form of codependency often involves a high level of avoidance because we're so desperate to protect others from feeling upset. Some of the most common examples of this are overworking, approval seeking, and putting up with mistreatment.

 

Enmeshment is a dynamic that makes us feel fused together with others, whether it's one person or a whole group. It makes it difficult for us to distinguish our own needs, emotions, and even identity from others. After long-term enmeshment, we may feel confused about what we truly like and dislike and question who we are apart from the enmeshed relationship.

 

Overreliance, which often coincides with the other forms of codependency, is when we start to feel lost and incapable without constant support from others. This might look like waiting to be rescued from our problems by others before we've made a sincere effort to solve it ourselves. It can also lead to intense anxiety about having to do things or make decisions on our own.

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What's the Difference Between Enabling and Empowering?

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Enabling someone else is literally “helping” them so much that they no longer feel the need to take responsibility for themselves or change their behaviors. By removing the consequences that they would otherwise have experienced, they often stop feeling motivated or capable of changing. 

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Empowering someone is essentially communicating that we have confidence in their ability to make healthy choices and succeed. This holds them responsible for their own behaviors while still making them feel supported. By acknowledging that we can’t control their actions, we allow them to experience the rewards or consequences of their choices.

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Self Reflection Questions

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• What feelings came up as you read this packet?

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• Are there patterns in any of your relationships that came to mind?

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• Of the 5 main categories (caretaking, enabling, people-pleasing, enmeshment, and overreliance), which one sounded most familiar to you? 

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• What kinds of situations tend to trigger codependent instincts for you? 

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• If you want to try setting boundaries, what is something realistic that you could try doing differently to stop codependent habits? 

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• Have your loved ones ever tried to set boundaries with you? If so, how did you respond? 

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• Who do you have in your life who models healthy boundaries in relationships? 

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• How often do you try to practice positive independence instead of relying on others? What is a healthy way that you could choose to practice that this week?  

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• How often do you let your loved ones handle their own problems instead of stepping in? What is a healthy way that you could choose to practice that this week?